Steps to catch a cheater
Catch her cheating
Got a girl that's fun, sexy, spontaneous, and even makes her own money, but you just don't trust her? You went into this knowing she was a bit of a good time girl with lots of friends, male and female, a lively social life, and sex appeal that's bound to attract attention wherever you go. You thought you could handle it, a fun middle of the road relationship that has some casual aspects and some more committed features to it. But, along the way, you began to feel more deeply about the girl, got a little possessive (in your mind at least), and began letting it eat you up inside when her flirty little ways attracted outside male attention.
This was supposed to be ok, per your original arrangement, but it got to the point where it wasn't for you, so you had the “exclusive serious relationship talk” with her. To your surprise, she agreed with you and said she too wanted to take things to a more serious and committed level. You are ecstatic and start thinking this could be the one.
Things go along well for a month or two and she seems to settle down a bit. She's not so flirty, not in the mood to party and be in a huge crowd of “friends” all the time, and even demonstrates some domestic tendencies, spending a little more time at your place doing the type of things a wife might do. She still maintains her own home, but is spending about half or more of her time at your place. But after a few weeks of this you begin to see some chinks in the armor and some return to her old way of doing things. You become convinced that she's begun cheating and you feel the need to take steps to catch her cheating and then decide what to do from there.
Here's What You Do to uncover her affair
Tell her that you want to spend the upcoming weekend at her place for a change (something you've done only rarely and not at all since “the talk”). First, observe her reaction. Is she immediately looking for an excuse to get out of it? Does she look concerned or nervous? Does she flat out refuse with little to no explanation? Any of these are reasons to have your suspicions aroused, but don't jump the gun just yet.
If she actually consents to it, go ahead and go through with it as planned. This is where she lives “her life” away from you. So, she normally doesn't have to make any adjustments or put on any “faces” here. Therefore, there are likely to be clues to any secret activities suggesting cheating that would not appear when she is at your place. Be on the lookout for these. But if there seems to be nothing and the place seems almost too “squeaky clean”, this may be a red flag as well because she has simply cleansed the place of clues before your arrival. Either way, it will give you some insight into her life away from you and help you decide whether the whole endeavor is worth this type of worry and distrust.
You may very well decide that it's not and want to move on to a relationship that starts out on more solid ground in the first place.
Is he cheating?
Steps to catch a cheater in the act
Most women have wondered at one time or another how they can guard against their man if he's cheating. Or better yet, how they can catch him cheating. Although it would be the most obvious and easy, I think most women would rather not experience the trauma of finding him cheating...red handed in the act, possibly in their own bed. This is a pretty awful scene, real or imagined. I think the majority would rather come across it a little more indirectly. Of course there are many methods and steps to try to catch a cheater. They range from the very stealthy and borderline devious to the direct confrontation.
I have two things to say about this before we go any further. If you are so insecure in the relationship either due to your own hang-ups or he really is giving you ample reason to suspect him of infidelity, then you probably don't belong in the relationship to begin with. My rule of thumb is if I spend more than a quarter of my time distrusting, thinking negatively of, or suspecting this person, then it is not my time, energy, or especially my love and devotion. The other is, why waste your time and energy on the investigation anyway? Given enough time and leeway the cheater inevitably nearly always “hangs himself”. If you are suspicious but downplay it or don't show it at all he will often become too comfortable in his lie falsely believing he is pulling it off so well that you have no idea. But, if you simply must know now, and can't wait for him to slip up so badly that his cheating is all but undeniable, here are a couple of ideas for you to push things along.
Catching a cheater: The Devious Approach
He is exhibiting some classic signs of a man carrying on illicit affairs. Things such as working late more often, being a little more tethered to his phone than normal, losing interest in sex at home, and becoming generally disengaged. You suspect him but have no hard evidence and you can stand the suspense no longer. Plan some sort of fictional trip out of town that seems plausible and could be corroborated by others you may choose to bring into your confidence. Something like a business trip with colleagues or weekend getaway with a couple girlfriends (the kind who would back you up if he talked to them). Plan the trip, pack the bag, have the fake departure, but don't leave town. Stay at some out of the way motel and carefully observe him and his movements and activities throughout the weekend. If he is cheating, he will almost certainly take advantage of this golden opportunity. It sounds terrible I know, but I told you in the beginning I would not recommend any of this because if you feel the need to go to these lengths something big is missing from the relationship anyway and it is most likely doomed to fail sooner or later.
Catch a cheater: The Direct Approach
If you want to be a little more upfront about things and save yourself the time of concocting an elaborate scheme such as the one above, just come straight out and ask him about it. But don't make it too easy for him to simply sidestep or deny. Find some piece of evidence like a text, picture, email, phone log, strangely perfumed shirt, or car missing from the work parking lot when it shouldn't be, and put it in your back pocket to use if necessary. Then simply tell him you have had a strange feeling and suspect him of cheating...woman's intuition. Do it at a time when he can't make an excuse to get out of talking to you. Don't build it up too much or he'll know something's up. If he denies it outright at first, come at him with your piece of evidence. If he sidesteps this, refuses to explain himself, or simply continues to deny it, then pull out the last stop (going back to the devious tool bag on this one). Tell him you received a text that was obviously not meant for you. He must have sent you by mistake and reveals he has been talking to another woman. If he still won't crack you're either barking up the wrong tree and have done irreparable damage to the relationship or he is sold on his lie and the only way you're going to get him is to catch him red handed in the act of cheating.
How to establish cheating in a long distance relationship
Uncovering infidelity in a long distance relationship
Long distance relationships... what can I say about these except that I wouldn't recommend them! However, sometimes that simply isn't an obvious or immediate option. There are military families with a deployed soldier. There are students in the latter parts of their education doing internships, affiliations, residencies requiring them to go away from the main campus for a time. There are the growing number of cross-country or international relationships that develop due to any number of reasons such as the global business economy or the proliferation of internet dating sites which expand your pool of “possibles” well beyond the local singles or club scene. I've experienced first hand how a deep connection can be established over a great distance with no actual physical contact during this “get-to-know-you” phase of the relationship.
It's easier than ever with all of the electronic and cyber tools available to us. 3 hour long video chats can become more intimate than physical dates. It's pretty amazing stuff. But now that you've established the connection and the longing to be together, there is still a mountain of logistical hurdles to get over in order to see each other with any regularity. And this means often going for long periods of time without being able to physically meet. It can become difficult to keep the libido in check during these long dry spells and with your lover so far away it can be pretty easy to go astray. How do find out if a long distance affair is happening in your long distance relationship?
Discovering the Long Distance Affair
Step 1, pay close attention to the content and tone of your talks, video chats, texts, emails, and social media posts. Is he still noticing all the little details of what you say? Picking up on all of those subtle hints about what you like and don't like, how you like to be romanced, what your days are like while the two of you are apart, or any struggles you may have shared. Early on in your talks with him he seemed to hear everything and use it to relate to you on as personal a level as possible. But this seems to be slipping recently and may indicate he is losing interest and will be likely sooner or later to be looking for romantic thrills elsewhere.
Step 2, meet as many of the people in his life away from you as possible. Gauge their interaction with you and how he treats you around them. Being “in” with his inner-circle is a sure sign that he has truly let you into his life. If he doesn't want to do this and even goes to lengths to avoid it, he is still keeping you at arm's length and more than likely keeping his options open. Even if he has indicated a deeper level of affection and involvement in your past interactions. If you feel him pulling away and slightly “downgrading” the relationship you can bet he's on the prowl or already got another woman in his stable.
Step 3, If you are sure that the two of you have established an exclusive relationship at some time and you feel a strong need to put this to the test, surprise him with an unplanned visit. Maybe have something extra special planned for when you get there to mark the special nature of the occasion. If he is badly put off by this or even outright annoyed rather than pleasantly surprised you may have a problem on your hands indicating that he has been engaged in some long distance cheating.
How to spot signs of an affair
Signs your wife is cheating
As far back as biblical times, Solomon, the legendary king, philosopher, teacher, and serial womanizer of ancient Israel warned us of the fickle and, all too often, adulterous ways of women. Of course Solomon was engaged in sanctioned adultery with his 700 wives and 400+ concubines due to the patriarchal and polygamous nature of the society in which he lived. But this standard, of course, did not work both ways. A woman caught in an adulterous relationship in these times might pay with her life as she could legally be dragged outside the city walls and stoned to death by the rest of the citizenry. A pretty awful way to go and a huge double standard if there ever was one.
Why do I go into all of this? Because Solomon is widely regarded as one of the wisest men to ever live. And in case you're wondering, yes, he has been proven to be a historical figure, not just a biblical allegory. In his writings Solomon gives us literally hundreds of warnings about the cunning, subtle, and even conniving ways of unfaithful women. Creatures who will stop at nothing to get what they want, secure their future, and set up a lifestyle for themselves that they feel entitled to. In our society most of the “cheating” attention seems to be focused on men because supposedly they are the “dogs” always on the prowl for their next sexual conquest. This is probably true because men are generally more obvious about things whereas women are generally infinitely more skilled in subtlety, deception, compartmentalizing their true motives. Hence, the cheating wife. So, how do you know if your wife is having an affair? What are the signs of a cheating wife? Here are a few that I think stand out.
Things That Give the Cheating Wife Away
The first, and most obvious: you're getting no play in the bedroom. Maybe she's been treating it like a “duty” for awhile now, but still did perform her wifely duty on a semi-regular basis. But now… nothing.
She has been working part-time only for years so she could focus on being a mother, homemaker, and social butterfly in her various women's endeavors. But suddenly she has decided to dedicate herself more fully to growing and developing her career. Sounds like she's getting ready for some sort of leap or change doesn't it?
She comes home with a new work phone one day, not having changed jobs. She's been with her employer for years and has never needed a phone before.
She begins to dress less conservatively, wearing sexier more revealing, yet still professional outfits. She wants to be seen by somebody and it doesn't appear to be you.
She begins to talk just a little too much about her male colleagues and her collaborations with them. But her comments are always skillfully woven into a plausible and seemingly benign framework. Again, in general, women are better at this than men.
Her Victoria's Secret monthly bill suddenly doubles. You don't remember that many new and sexy ensembles.
She just doesn't seem to have the energy or interest to be your shoulder and your confidant to unload your life's troubles, worries, private struggles onto anymore. This flies right in the face of the type of partnership that marriage is supposed to embody. A partnership that she used to embrace and encourage you to embrace as well. She wanted to hear about your deepest feelings, troubles, triumphs, insecurities, and breakthroughs. Now she is distracted and couldn't seem to care less.
I hope you don't find yourself identifying with all of these signs, but if you do, I think it may be time for a talk with your wife, because she may be having an affair.
Signs your cheating husband has been unfaithful
Infidelity and marriage: What to do
Your husband is like a lot of other men in the 40-50 age bracket. He is deep in the midst of his career and working hard to leave his professional mark and hopefully establish a sound financial legacy for his family. Consequently, much of his energy, time, and even passion go toward bringing these ambitions to fruition. It is not at all an uncommon scenario in America. We consistently rank as one of the most work-obsessed nations in the world and most men at one point or another fall victim to some of the side effects of this hard-driving professional ambition. Namely burnout, fatigue, health concerns, a “work widow” wife, and even impotence. With this type of sustained stress, expectations from every corner of life, and energy output, men's bodies begin to overflow with the stress hormone cortisol which will affect them in all of the aforementioned negative ways.
You understand and accept all of this, but you can't help feeling like there is more to your story than this. Sure, your husband has certainly demonstrated some of the battle fatigue described above at times, but he seems more aloof and more disengaged than you think he ought to, even with the stress level he says he is under. You think he may have grown so desperate for an outlet, a way to add some variety to the blitzkrieg of a routine that he goes through on a daily basis that you suspect your husband is having an affair.
So What Are the Signs of a Cheating Husband?
He is home late every night, even on weekend days. He never seems to take a break. You've done some checking and he really is knocking himself out at work. But every night?
You've been by his workplace after hours and seen that his car is not parked there as it should be if he's working late. Maybe he's gone to get a bite to eat or otherwise take a small break, but maybe not. Maybe, he's having an affair.
He has a work phone that you're never allowed to look at, let alone touch. You've never thought much about this, but with some other recent behavior changes your suspicions are aroused.
Occasionally, you think you catch the scent of a strange perfume but it is always masked with cigarette smoke, his own cologne, the couple drinks he had after he finally did leave work, or some other competing scent.
You've noticed him taking more and more “work calls” at home on the phone you don't get to look at.
You know he's tired and worn out from the workload and stress and you have been patient and understanding, but he hasn't been interested in sex in months. In fact, you haven't done it at all in 6 weeks...
He suddenly has no opinion on things that he used to. Even simple things like “what should we have for dinner?”. He's often not there at dinner time so you don't get too worked up over this, but even so you offer to make him his favorite comfort food for when he finally does get home and he still seems uninterested.
You find him talking about restaurants or hang outs downtown that you had no idea he'd ever been to or was even interested in. Places you wouldn't automatically think of as work lunch/dinner places.
After weeks of neglect in the bedroom he suddenly comes at you one night with a new thing he wants to try that you have no idea where it may have come from.
You find some sort of male potency supplement amongst his other toiletries that you certainly are not receiving the benefits of.
This too busy, overworked, stressed out, no time having husband of yours decides to join a gym when he has never been consistent with any type of workout plan in the past, and he actually starts to trim down and buff up. Yet still, sex once a month if you're lucky.
I don't know ladies. If you are seeing even half of these I think you have some cause for concern.